


our colours come alive

by greywardenblue



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Hugs, Other, Reminiscing, conversation about gender feels and sexuality, nonbinary!doctor kinda, she's like 'gender what's a gender sounds fake'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:01:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22663660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greywardenblue/pseuds/greywardenblue
Summary: The end of Fugitive of the Judoon, only the Doctor actually meets her old friend this time.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Comments: 17
Kudos: 357





	our colours come alive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Seawitchkaraoke](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seawitchkaraoke/gifts).



> Our colours come alive when I collide  
> With you, with you  
> Give me love or hate,  
> You can bend me 'til I break  
> Give me fire, give me rain,  
> I want joy with my pain  
> I want your fears, your hopes,  
> The whole kaleidoscope  
> \- The Script: Kaleidoscope

_Get off my ship_.

The Doctor was still reeling from her encounter with - her own self? Somebody who claimed to be her, anyway, but it was impossible. Even if that TARDIS was so familiar, it couldn’t be real. Some kind of trick, some kind of parallel universe…

The Judoon had cleared out, but she was so lost in her own thoughts, she likely wouldn’t have noticed them trampling around her. The only thing that caught her attention was four people materialising out of thin air on the other side of the street.

Three of them were immediately familiar: Ryan, Yaz and Graham, safe and sound. That was good. And the fourth… The fourth had their back to her, but the sight of their long coat made tears of relief gather in her eyes even before the realisation hit.

“Jack!”

The name came out like a gasp, and then he was turning around and she was already running, stumbling over her own feet in her hurry to get to him. 

_Run fast._

For a fraction of a second she wondered if he’d recognise her at all, if he’d look at her differently - then Jack caught her in his arms and spun her around, and she scolded herself for even considering it.

_Laugh hard._

The shaky, desperate laugh bubbled out of her as he spun her, and his laugh joined hers without hesitation.

"Jack," she breathed as he put her down, her arms still around his neck. He was still laughing.

"Hey, Doctor. Loving the rainbow. Wait, are your socks rainbow too? _Very_ subtle."

"Nice, right? I got the socks from Yaz." Saying the name made her remember they weren't alone, and she turned quickly to the other three who were looking at them with a mix of confusion and relief. "Hey, fam. Is everyone okay?"

"We're fine, Doc," Ryan said. "Had a bit of a scare when your friend teleported us out, but it was fine. The big aliens are gone, right?"

"Oh, _you_ were scared, were you?" Graham said. " _I_ had to stand there in a flying craft and hear a complete stranger say _the Doctor and I go way back_ without any context!"

The four of them cringed as one, and only Jack looked confused.

"Why is that a problem?" he asked.

"I'll tell you later," the Doctor said, but Yaz was already answering.

"We met one of the Doctor's other _friends_ recently. He left us on a crashing plane with a bomb."

Now Jack cringed, too. "I thought the Master was dead."

"Welcome to my world," the Doctor said, exhaustion settling in her bones. "I thought I knew a lot of things, too." Jack was looking at her with a strange smile, and she was beginning to get a little worried. "What?"

"I can easily see the top of your head now," he said, and he caught her hand when she tried to punch his shoulder. "And it's not even bald this time."

"I hate you," she groaned, but there wasn't any truth behind it. She was incredibly glad to see him, and it was evident in every bouncy step she took as they walked back towards her TARDIS.

"What happened to Ruth? Is she okay?"

The Doctor was prepared for that question, and she said the answer so fast that she didn't even process who asked it. "She's fine. She went back to her life after the Judoon left."

"Do we know why they were after her?" Okay, that one was probably Yaz.

"It's complicated. But the Judoon don't always need much of a reason." That was close enough to the truth that she expected to get away with it.

They were mostly silent for the rest of the walk back, and Jack’s hand stayed lightly touching hers throughout. Once they got inside the TARDIS, he looked around and whistled. “Loving the new look, darling.”

The Doctor laughed. “You’re talking to me, or her?”

Jack winked at her. “Can’t it be both?” He stretched his arms above his head, then glanced around again. “Rooms are that way, right? Mind if I take a shower? I’ve had… an interesting day.”

The Doctor waved him off without asking about him to elaborate. “Knock yourself out.” 

Ryan and Yaz were quietly talking to each other in the corner, but Graham looked like he was working up the courage to say something. He cleared his throat. “Uh, Doctor?”

The Doctor braced herself for the inevitable question about her mental state, or the Judoon, or Ruth, or even Gallifrey. She was almost tempted to ignore him, but that was a cruel thought. She promised himself she’d never be cruel.

“So, earlier, your boyfriend thought I was you,” Graham started. The Doctor froze for a second before she realised who he was talking about, but the pause was enough to miss her chance to reply. “And, well, he kind of kissed me?”

She groaned. “Yes, he does that. I’m so sorry. He stops if you tell him about boundaries and such.”

Graham blinked. “What? No, it’s fine! I mean, I didn’t mind, I just…” He coughed. “I just wanted you to know about it, and make sure you know it was a misunderstanding.”

“Oh.” That was different. “Alright. Thanks? I suppose? He’s not really my boyfriend though.” He used to be, but that was a very long time ago, and while they never officially _said_ they were broken up… it was heavily implied in some subsequent events. “It’s… complicated, but we were never exclusive.”

Graham seemed to ponder about that, but the Doctor was distracted by Ryan and Yaz stepping closer.

“Doctor? Can we talk to you for a second?”

That sounded closer to what she was afraid about.

“I need to go check on Jack,” she said, and hurried off, like a coward.

 _Never be cruel. Never be cowardly_. She was failing at one of those two at the very least, but she would sort that out later. For now, she simply couldn’t handle thinking about Ruth on top of everything.

It was only after barging into the room that she remembered what Jack went off to do in the first place. The door to the bathroom was open on her left and the water was on, and she had a few seconds to wonder if maybe she can just back out slowly when Jack spoke from inside.

“Doctor, is that you?”

“... Yes. Sorry, I forgot you were in the shower. I’m just going to sit down out here, okay?”

Jack laughed, and her heart ached at the long-missed sound.

“You know I don’t mind it if you want to come in.”

The Doctor rolled her eyes. “I do know that, but I don’t feel like getting wet at the moment, thank you.” She sat down next to the bathroom door with her back to the wall, listening to the water. Talking about Ruth and Gallifrey with Jack sounded slightly easier than with her new friends, but it was still on the level of having her teeth pulled out.

“So how does this work, exactly?” Jack inquired from the shower. “I mean, was it a conscious choice, or did it just happen?”

It took her a second to realise what he meant. “I’m not sure, to be honest. I can’t pick what I look like, that’s not how it works, at least not for me. But… it’s happened before that I unconsciously influenced the new face, like I was trying to tell myself something.” She sighed. “If this one is a message, I haven’t figured out what it says yet. Maybe it’s because of Missy. Maybe I’m a woman now because a grey-haired Time Lord with a Scottish accent didn’t want to forget her.” Jack was quiet, and after a while she added, “Or maybe I just thought you and River would have a field day with it.”

“Hah!” He laughed at that one again, and she smiled along with him. “Of course. Middle of regeneration, you took a moment to think, wow, Jack would get a kick out of me being a woman.” There was a pause, then he added, “Not that you were wrong. And you’re probably right about River, too. I can just see her reaction now when you do something badass.” He brought out his best-worst River impression. “ _That’s my wife!_ ”

A night on Darillium is several years, and they didn’t always spend it alone. Jack visited River and him several times, and the Doctor pretended he regretted ever letting the two of them meet. They got on a little too well sometimes, and the three of them together attracted too much trouble.

“She would absolutely do that,” the Doctor agreed. She didn’t correct Jack about her chances of ever seeing River again.

“Does it feel any different?”

Again, that was a difficult question. “It always does, doesn’t it? Every time, I have to retry everything I used to like or dislike and surprise myself by what changed. When I told the fam that I used to be a man, they thought I meant I was transgender, but that’s not really…” She frowned, trying to find the right words. “That would be more like if I had this body but still felt like a man, wouldn’t it? Humans can change their bodies, but as you said, for them it’s usually a conscious choice and a long process, so it doesn’t really apply. I didn’t choose this body, but I’m fine with having it. I guess I think of myself less in terms of gender and more in terms of what each incarnation likes.” She shrugged. “I did take the opportunity to try some things humans consider traditionally feminine, just to see.”

“So what’s the verdict?”

“Dresses - long ones make it harder to run, short ones make me feel strange, also, too many of them don’t have pockets. Pockets are essential. Most women’s trousers have pockets, but they are smaller and uncomfortable, which is ridiculous, so I’ve been wearing men’s trousers. Who puts gender on clothing anyway? And what are the random sizes about?” She let out a frustrated huff, then realised she’d gotten distracted from the list. “Make-up - don’t see the point, honestly. Nail polish - galaxy-patterned, please. The star stickers are pretty. But still, it’s not essential. High-heels - those used to be worn by men, by the way! More importantly, the running again. Not good. None of these should be gendered in the first place! It’s all arbitrary.”

Jack laughed. “Sounds like you’ve been busy. So what about your new friends?”

“The fam? They’re great. They’re all brilliant. Ryan is Graham’s grandson, and Ryan and Yaz went to school together, and I just kind of scooped them up at the same time.” She briefly wondered whether to mention Grace, then figured it was best not to. “I met them right after the regeneration, so things were still a little wobbly. We’ve met witch hunters, Yaz’s ancestors, Nikola Tesla… Accidentally saw a dead Earth…”

“Is that still your idea of a first date?” Jack asked.

The Doctor paused. “Who told you about that?”

“Rose, obviously. Ages ago. It’s a miracle I still remember.” He cleared his throat, and then… “ _With a taste of your lips, I’m on a ride…_ ”

She groaned and looked for something to throw at him. With a lack of better options, she took off her shoe and threw it into the bathroom blindly. Jack yelped and stopped singing, although she was fairly sure she didn’t hit him.

“That was mean!”

“You’re mean,” she said, but there was no bite in her words. “Either way, it was an accident. It was supposed to be a vacation at a resort, and we didn’t find out that it was a dead planet _or_ that it was Earth until we were already there. It was right after…” After Gallifrey, but the words wouldn’t come out.

Jack was quiet for a while, waiting for her to continue, then spoke again. “What about the Master? The others mentioned him earlier.”

So she took breath, and she told him. All about O, all about how she got attached and didn’t suspect anything, all about the crashing plane and the time travel and the spies. And, since she was on a roll anyway, she told him about Ruth and Gat, too. She didn’t notice when Jack turned off the water, only when she stopped speaking and was met with complete silence.

A silence that only lasted long enough for Jack to make sure she was done.

“I’m going to come out and hug you now,” Jack said. “That’s the only warning you get.”

She smiled a tired smile. “Oh, no. The horror.” She heard his footsteps coming towards the door and stood up from where she was sitting - then her eyes went wide.

“Jack!”

He held up his hands. “My clothes are out here on the bed!”

She covered her eyes with a laugh, although it was far, far too late. “You could have worn a towel!”

“Oh.” He clearly hadn’t considered that, even though he must have used one to dry himself off.

“Just put some clothes on before you hug me, please.”

Jack saluted her theatrically. “Yes, ma’am!” He walked to the bed to grab his clothes, but he didn’t stop talking. “Did you tell your friends about any of this?”

“They know about the Master.”

“They know he attacked them. But do they know who he is? Saxon, and before that? All of it?”

The Doctor frowned. “You can’t expect me to detail centuries of history, trauma and heartbreak to every new person I meet. I just… can’t. Having to tell it over and over, having to justify myself…” 

He sighed. “Look, Doctor. Is it really just that you don’t want to talk about it? Because if yes, easy fix! A lot of this stuff is documented. UNIT, Torchwood, MI5, probably a whole list of other organizations have or had files on you. There are books. Get a copy and make them read it, then they’ll know the story without you having to tell it.”

She said nothing.

“Or is it, perhaps…” Jack continued, like he hadn’t just seen through her excuse and called her bluff like it was nothing. “That you don’t want them to know, because you’re afraid of how they’d react?”

“It’s not that simple,” the Doctor said. “You’ve seen me at my worst. My worst to you, and my worst to everyone else. You’ve seen me cry over the man who tortured and tried to kill all of us, because the two of us were the last in the world. But you’re still here.”

Jack shrugged, then went back to buttoning his shirt. “My love is not fragile.”

“But not everyone is like you.”

“And not everyone is cut out for all the adventures you have, either. But some people are.” He left his last few buttons undone and walked over to her, still trouserless, but at least wearing underwear. “And you’ll never find out who is which unless you give them a chance. Ryan, Yaz, Graham. I’ve only just met them, but they seem like good people.”

“That’s the problem! Don’t you see? They’re _too_ good.” She shook her head, choking on too much emotion. “I keep picking up good people, innocent people, and they leave me when they realise I’m not any of that.”

“Doctor…” He sighed and gently took her arms to pull her a step closer. “Fine. Let’s do this one more time. Good and bad are useless descriptors for people. What matters is what you do. You are a person who has been forced into some horrible, impossible decisions…”

“Not all of them were forced,” she interrupted, but he ignored her.

“... But you try to do good, every single time. You try to do better.”

She closed her eyes. “Does the good I do still count if I’m only doing it to make up for the rest of it?”

One of his hands slid up to cup her face. “That is an irrelevant question, because that’s not the only reason you do it.”

“Isn’t it?”

He let out another theatrical sigh, and when she opened her eyes, he was giving her his best ‘I’m so done with your bullshit’ face. Suddenly, she got hit by a wave of missing Martha.

“Answer one question for me, so I know how to handle this. Which one of us are you trying to lie to?” A panicky giggle broke out of her, and she put a hand on her mouth to stop it, but Jack went on. “Is it me, or is it you, because I honestly can’t decide. But you know what?” His hands were on her waist now, and he squeezed her once. “It doesn’t matter, because either way, I’m not letting you.” She kept giggling. She didn’t even know she could do that. “Do you hear me, Doctor? I’m not letting you.”

The Doctor held onto his shoulders and tried to get her breathing back under control.

“Hey,” Jack said so gently that she had to look up at him, all too aware of how close his face was. “I’m here. Tell me what you need.”

\--

_Show me your fears, show me your scars,_

_I'll take whatever's left of your heart_

\--

“Tell me what you need,” Jack said.

“I need you,” the Doctor said, and then she pulled his head down and kissed him.

Jack had loved all the Doctors, with any face or any personality quirks, but sometimes he still longed for the one with the ears and the leather jacket. The joking around, the easy kisses, the everybody lives. (And Rose. There was Rose, too.)

The thin one with the striped suit and the amazing hair was… complicated, but Jack loved him through all of it anyway.

The lanky one sat on his lap at multiple stag parties and kissed him with plenty of tongue in front of everyone, but there was a careful distance about it, a coolness beneath the surface.

The one with the Scottish accent was the opposite. He let Jack kiss him as a greeting for a few seconds, then gently pushed him back and said hello like nothing happened. They’d barely touched, and he had certainly never said he loved Jack, but Jack still felt it in the rare, deliberate brush of a hand against his arm.

And now the one with the rainbow was in his arms, kissing him like a whirlwind, a bit panicky, a lot urgent, all fire beneath. He pulled her even closer and hold her tight against him until there was no room, until they were so close it almost hurt, but it was worth it, so worth it.

She pulled back first but still stayed close, their chests rising and falling quickly. "I'm sick of people treating me differently," she breathed. There was a gentleness in her eyes, and her face was still so close. "I'm glad you don't."

Jack laughed to shake off the welcome shock. "As if I could ever," he said. It didn’t take too long for his mind to end up back in the gutter though. He smirked and caressed her shoulder lightly. "Although… how did that 'discovering what this body likes' thing go again? Because I have some fun ideas for treating you differently."

She snorted and punched his shoulder, but he could see she was thinking about it. He let her think. The Doctor was never as interested in going past kissing as he was - which was a lot, and frequently -, but the exact amount varied by incarnation, so it was always worth gently revisiting the question.

"Not now," she said finally, and he nodded.

"I hope you don't think I'm--"

"Forcing it? No. I may be demisexual, but you certainly qualify for strong emotional attachment. And I'm… more open to the idea than the last me was. Especially because you're right, I never really… tried anything with this body before. It could be interesting." She ducked her head with a laugh, and Jack could swear he saw her blushing. "But still, maybe later. Just having you here is great enough for now."

That implied there would be a 'later', which was honestly better than sex anyway, at least when it came to the Doctor.

"Never heard you label it before," he said instead. She looked a little embarrassed, so he quickly added. “I love it, though. I was just surprised.”

The Doctor shrugged. "It fits. And it might be a human concept, but I borrow all kinds of things from you anyway."

He grinned. “ _It fits_. You’re _such_ a cat.”

She swatted his arm, which really didn’t disprove his observation.

“You need to talk to your friends,” he said softly. “You should do it while I’m here, so I can help you with it.” He thought she would try arguing again, but she only nodded.

“I know. I said I wouldn’t be a coward, didn’t I? But I’m being one anyway. I’m glad you’re here.” There was a pause, then she said, quieter, “Can we stay like this a little longer first?”

He nodded, and she pressed closer to rest her head on his shoulder.

“Have you heard from Martha and Mickey lately? They invited me over for dinner, you know. I bet they would be surprised if I showed up with you.”

She snorted. “Surprised is one word for it.”

Jack frowned. “They’d be happy to see you.”

“I’m not convinced,” she said, then, “But maybe I’m willing to try.”

**Author's Note:**

> The missing conversation between 13 and the fam that happened at the end of Fugitive of the Judoon still happens (after she's finished cuddling Jack). I didn't write it down because it goes mostly the same despite Jack's presence - but don't worry, it definitely still happens.


End file.
